this morning, i woke up, and noticed the reality of it. he doesn't want me. he wants to jerk off alone. be by himself. play star wars. talk to his friends. sometimes i envy him to have no emotions when it comes to me. i wish i had the strength to ignore him, and not feel a damn thing. but me, like a wuss, i cried on the couch, thinking of the time when he held me in his arms, staring at stars, hearing him say,"i love you". i cried even more today. then i tell myself, he isn't worth making you feel pain. just let him go, let him be. you will be just fine, in fact, i you can feel happier once you know that he is gone.
my weakness is, co-dependancy. sadly i must admit finally. i need to know that someone loves me. and to be loved in return. i just want to be held. yeah, i know im ranting. but i guess this is the only place to rant. this is the only place where i can't hide my feelings. where im sure people feel offended to read it, because it is so personal. trust me, once this shit is finally over, i may rant about how i feel depressed, because i have no one. but after all of that, i will be my happy self once again. i can be me once again. i will be extra cautious not to give my heart away to anyone that i feel isn't worthy of my love. especially bastards that make me feel the most insecure. what makes me the most insecure? hmm, gee i wonder, #1 ignoring me #2 talk about how other girls make a guy so happy that isn't me #3 owing material that is either pornographic, or nude, peferably of women. those three things throw me off, turn me off, and i turn into a horrifying nag. to where i make that guys life impossible to live without hearing me say a few things like, "your an asshole" "how can you do this to me?"
but yet i am always criticized, and called names. suddenly my reputation is of a girl who is amazingly insane.